Did I Stay Too Long?

Give yourself grace for how long you stayed—and courage for where you’re going next.

At some point, I think most of us ask ourselves this question:

Did I stay too long?

Maybe it was a marriage, a job, a friendship, a group of people—or simply a room you knew you had outgrown.

It doesn't really matter where it was.

Somewhere along the way, you knew something didn't feel right anymore. You weren't happy. You weren't growing. Maybe you didn't even recognize yourself.

And yet, you stayed.

That's usually the part we beat ourselves up over.

Why didn't I leave sooner? Why did I give so much of myself to something I knew wasn't right for me?

But we're human. Sometimes what we need isn't another lesson about boundaries or knowing our worth. Sometimes we need grace for the person we were when we weren't ready to leave.

I am a firm believer that when the time is truly right to leave that room, job, marriage or friend group, you will.

We stay because we think we can fix things. Maybe if we work harder, love harder, have a better attitude, forgive one more time or give it another six months, things will change.

So we keep adjusting ourselves to fit into something that no longer fits us.

Eventually, we become comfortable being uncomfortable.

I learned this with work.

You can give a career everything—your time, energy, evenings and even your health. You convince yourself everything depends on you.

Then you resign.

And trust me, your job will be posted.

The company continues. Your coworkers continue with their lives. That doesn't make them bad people. But it should remind us that while we are pouring everything into our work, we cannot forget to pour something back into ourselves.

Friendships can teach us the same lesson.

Sometimes you stop being the one who always calls, checks in and holds everyone together—and suddenly your phone gets very quiet.

That silence hurts.

But sometimes silence answers questions we were afraid to ask.

Marriage is more complicated. There can still be love, history, children, finances, fear and a thousand other reasons someone stays.

I won't pretend to know when another person should leave.

But I do think we have to ask ourselves:

How long do we keep abandoning ourselves because leaving feels harder than staying?

If I could talk to my younger self today, I wouldn't criticize her for staying.

I'd tell her, life is short.

It's too short to spend it getting comfortable being uncomfortable.

And sometimes the place we're stuck isn't a job, marriage or friendship. Sometimes it's inside our own minds.

Depression taught me that. For me, it brought isolation and kept me from growing in ways I didn't recognize at the time.

That's been a painful lesson.

But I'm grateful I learned it while I still have life left to live differently.

I can't get back the years I gave to the wrong places or people.

What I can do is stop carrying those years like they're a debt I still owe.

So, did I stay too long?

Maybe.

Maybe you did too.

But instead of punishing ourselves for how long it took, maybe we give that version of ourselves some grace.

You don't have to hate where you've been to know you've outgrown it.

You don't need to make someone else the villain to choose yourself.

Sometimes you simply realize:

This isn't where I belong anymore.

Take the lesson. Give yourself grace.

And when you finally know it's time to leave the room,

get up and go live the life that's waiting outside of it.