The Elephant in the Room: It Was Abuse...and You Called It Love

Stop minimizing what hurt you. It wasn't "just how they are"

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room… the one you’ve felt, questioned, but maybe never fully said out loud. It wasn’t normal. And deep down… you know that.

But you didn’t call it abuse. You called it love. You called it stress. You called it “that’s just how they are.” You adjusted, you stayed quiet, you made excuses, because calling it what it really was would have required you to face something bigger… that you deserved better. And that’s not an easy thing to face, because once you see it… you can’t unsee it.

Abuse doesn’t always look loud. Sometimes it’s in the silence, in the way your voice gets dismissed, in the way you’re told you’re too much, too emotional, too sensitive. It’s in the moments where you stop trusting yourself and start questioning your own reality. And slowly… you shrink. You speak less. You feel less. You accept more than you ever should have and call it strength, but it’s not strength, it’s survival. And survival will keep you stuck if you don’t shift it.

So what do you do now, because awareness is only the first step.

You stop minimizing it. You stop saying “it’s not that bad.” You stop comparing your situation to others. You stop talking yourself out of what you feel. If it hurt you, it matters.

You start listening to yourself again. You already know what doesn’t feel right. You’ve known for a long time. That feeling in your chest, that hesitation before you speak, that exhaustion after certain conversations… that’s your clarity. You don’t need more proof.

You set one boundary. Not ten, just one. Not something dramatic, just one moment where you choose yourself. Maybe it’s saying no. Maybe it’s not explaining yourself. Maybe it’s walking away from a conversation that drains you. One small shift changes everything.

You stop waiting for them to change. This is the hardest part, because you’ve held on to hope. Hope that they’ll understand, hope that things will get better. But your life cannot depend on someone else becoming who you need them to be. At some point, you have to become who you need for yourself.

And then you start thinking differently about your life. Not emotionally, not reactively, but strategically. What kind of life do you actually want? What kind of environment do you deserve? What kind of peace are you no longer willing to negotiate? Because this isn’t just about leaving or staying, it’s about no longer abandoning yourself in the process.

You didn’t deserve what you went through, but you do have control over what you accept moving forward. That’s where your power is, not in the past, but in your next decision.

If this is hitting you, don’t ignore it. Sit with it. This is awareness, and awareness is where change begins. And if you are in a situation where you feel unsafe, overwhelmed, or unsure of what to do next, you don’t have to figure it out alone. In the United States, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788. There are people available 24/7 who will listen without judgment and help guide you safely.

This is exactly why Sassy Women exists, a space where we stop pretending, face the truth, and learn how to choose ourselves without apology. You’re not alone in this.

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